Responding to Discomfort

This is a guest post from my friend John Engels. For more on John, go to: http://www.leadershipcoachinginc.com/


Responding to Discomfort-June, 2009

A client I will call Zach confided in me the other day that the most difficult relationship for him is the relationship with his boss.

“Have you told him that?” I asked.

“No I have not. That’s not comfortable for me.”

Another client, whom I will call Joan, related to me that her teenage daughter, an inexperienced driver, insists she should be given
permission to drive friends to social events on weekend evenings.

“I don’t want her to drive with friends in the car, especially on weekend nights,” her mother told me.

“Does Joan know what your position is on this?”

“No, if I told her she would go ballistic, “said the mom.

Have you noticed how often you avoid uncomfortable conversations and encounters?

For leaders, the consequences of side-stepping difficult yet important discussions can be particularly dire.

Dr. Murray Bowen, the eminent psychiatrist whose clinical research and ground-breaking ideas anchor our approach to leadership development, made the following observation:

“Less well-differentiated bosses are more inclined to make decisions based on the feeling of the moment than on principle and reality.”

Dr. Bowen’s term, “well-differentiated” refers to any individual’s degree of emotional maturity.

More mature leaders tend to operate from thoughtful positions rather than from automatic reactions.

We all fall prey to the knee-jerk impulse to avoid whatever feels uncomfortable.

This is an area of immaturity that each of us can work on.

The automatic reaction to duck discomfort can be countered by the following high-maturity strategies:

CALMNESS – when leaders can maintain a non-anxious presence, they are less susceptible to impulsive avoidance.

What routines help you stay calm? Do you go for walks, pray or meditate, vigorously exercise, take short breaks away from work?

A long-time client shared with me that talking with close friends helps him calm down.

Another gets up early and takes a half hour bike ride a few mornings a week.

Whatever works for you is what to do.

PERSPECTIVE – leaders who see with a wider viewing lens tend to be less threatened by discomfort.

Individuals who have observed or experienced real suffering will be better able to take garden-variety discomfort in stride.

The vastness of the universe, the fleeting nature of a single lifetime, the awe of the natural world, one’s gratitude for deep love – all these experiences keep leaders grounded and less fearful.

Leaders who are well-connected within their nuclear and extended families have a solid emotional base from which they approach the world. They are more likely to believe that an uncomfortable conversation is not a federal case.

CLEAR THINKING – from a place of calmness, the first thing leaders notice is a capacity to think more clearly.

Clear thinking produces questions and strategies that lead to better decisions.

Instead of automatically avoiding, thoughtful leaders ask:

“What’s in the best interest of the organization?”

“How can I engage this person I am uncomfortable with?”

“What tone of voice would be most productive?”

“What outcomes do I want?”

“What’s the worst that could happen if I initiate a tough message?”

Instead of hoping problems go away, leaders think to themselves:

“This is something I can handle.”

“I’m not going to let my discomfort stop me from doing what makes sense.”

“I’m going to give this person a chance to grow.”

“I remember past experiences with this - I always feel nervous going in and relieved coming out.”

“If I act with courage in this situation, I am teaching my employees and my own children to do the same. That alone makes it worthwhile.”

Discomfort has been called the necessary companion of progress.

The best leaders move towards and through discomfort instead of nervously looking for ways around it.

Copyright 2009 Leadership Coaching, Inc. All rights reserved.